My "Perfect Monster"

HELP! The "Perfect Monster" is loose! It got out of the mental closet that I keep it in yesterday when I was at Walmart buying school supplies. I picked out the perfect combination of crayons, markers, colored pencils, erasers, and sharpeners for each child. I just had to have the large white board so that I could write out the memory verse for the week along with the weeks schedule. I NEEDED the extra book of school activities for Nathan, because he had to have something to be working on while Graham was doing his school work. After coming home my mood was so altered by my hunt for perfection that I was cranky with my little ones. After bed time I lay awake planning, thinking, turning the possibilities over and over. What should I do with Jessica? I need to work on her speech. I should make flashcards with pictures of objects and actions on them so we can run through her pronunciation every day. I should add sign language to each word, so that she is able to express herself when she is having a hard time with the verbal pronunciation of things. I should make up reward charts for their chores and for the little ones potty schedule. I should do... I should try.... I should make...

Is it any wonder that upon waking this morning I could not focus on the Lord in my quiet time with him. It's no surprise that as I saw the neighborhood children walking out their doors to their first day of school, something inside me began to hyperventilate at the thought of the responsibility ahead of me. When the perfect monster is running loose in my head, I can not hear the still small voice of the Lord reminding me that it is by HIS grace alone that I will train my children up in the way they should go. No books or combination of art supplies is going to teach my children to rely on their Lord and savior, "to supply all their needs according to his riches in glory." The only way they will learn to press on in spite of stress and frustration and seek their father in heaven's face, is if I live that way in front of them. To listen to the "perfect monster' in my head is to show them by my actions that only "Perfect" will do. I don't want that for them. I want them to learn balance in life. I want them to know that when you give it your best and rely on the Lord in your weakness you can be proud of your efforts. Our BEST is but filthy rags to him...it is only by HIS work in our lives that good can be done. The hunt for perfection is simply the worship of the idol of self. For if I can achieve perfection than what need do I have for Jesus.

So here I am, having just read some more in the Psalms, venting my insecurities on my blog, and listening to worship music. I am trapping the "Perfect Monster" and locking him away by God's grace. I am going to take my children out to the park now and spend some time WITH them, before returning to school prep. Thank you Lord for reminding me that this homeschooling thing is NOT about the books (new and perfect though they are) or the supplies (blessing though they are) It is about my children...precious souls, created in the image of God, entrusted to me. By God's Grace I will teach them this year. The books and supplies are great and a blessing, but without my Lord, it will all amount to NOTHING. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Off I go...No monster in tow. Just my babies and my Lord. It's gonna be a good day!

Perfection in a box...or three.

Wow, Nothing makes my perfectionist's heart happier than the smell of brand new, never been opened books. I will readily admit that I have been on a joyful plateau of perfect daydreams about perfect days of educational bliss since our curriculum arrived this afternoon. While I know that there will be days when my precious students don't want to sit still long enough to read the directions much less actually DO the project, and I'll want to run away from home, it is hard to see anything but the overwhelming potential in these boxes, and honestly, I am OK with that for today. I will have to come back to earth and actually start preparing for school tomorrow. Today I will allow myself to dwell on the beautiful "Perfect" moments that will surely happen this year. I am sure there will be days when one of the kids will finally grasp a concept that we have been laboring over. There will be moments when all 4 kids will be quietly absorbed in a good book being read by grandma during reading time. There will be the looks on their faces the first time one of our little turnip plants breaks through the soil and they discover the joy of nurturing a living thing. There will be the sight of my 8 year old son reading God's word for himself, and the sounds of the voices of my beloved children as they sing their memory verses together. Yes, today I am going to allow myself to dream of the joy these books will bring. There will be plenty of time to prepare for the days when math work turns into world war three, someone decides to give their sister a haircut with the scissors in the homeschooling box, and crayon murals are added to my living room walls while I am quizzing someone with flashcards in the other room. In the words of Scarlett O'Hara, " I'm not gonna think about that today. I'll think about that tomorrow."

Perfection vs. Obedience

So being a perfectionist is one of my greatest flaws. You would think that perfectionism would drive a person to success and quality in every aspect of life. Unfortunately this is not the case in my life. My perfectionism takes areas where others would do their best and be satisfied, and warps them into situations where I promptly give up if I feel things are not going perfectly. The idea being... better to perfectly not do it at all than to only do a mediocre job. As you can see, the drive for perfection in this momma's life has me more often "perfectly" not trying at all, for fear of mediocrity, or "perfectly" giving up, least a non perfect effort mar my perfect record. Perfect perfect perfect...what on earth gave me the idea that I could be perfect anyway!

So, on that note, my heavenly father gave me a challenge. He has led me to take on homeschooling my 3rd grader and my 2 preschoolers this year. GULP! Let me clarify, I... unscheduled, fly by the seat of my pants, never finish anything, IMPERFECT, Leah...will be attempting to give 3 of my children a well rounded, schedule oriented, education while my 4th child runs laps around us and hangs on my neck. All this while my husband, closest friend and partner in parenting is on an extended business trip. to put it mildly, I AM TERRIFIED! There is no way to do this perfectly. My only hope of success is to daily submit myself to my heavenly father and beg for his grace to complete each day to the best of my ability's...and then to be satisfied with that.

I know for a fact that it was the Lord who led me to this task, because homeschooling is NEVER something I would have chosen myself. The risk of performing at a less than perfect level is something I have always avoided for myself. I would never have chosen to risk, less than perfect for my children! But here I am, imperfect and flawed, facing a monumental task at the leading of the Lord. I know that he will use this time in my life to mold and shape me. He will take my greatest flaw and use it for his glory. I pray that I may be a willing vessel for his work, not only in my own life, but in the lives of these 4 precious souls that he has entrusted to my care.

So there you have it. this year will truly be a perfectionist's adventures in chaos. I hope you enjoy the ride with me. My first task as I prepare for our first day of school in 4 weeks is to purchase books and books of gold star and "Good Job" stickers, so I can liberally apply them to my calender and sometimes my forehead as encouragement to continue on despite the lack of "perfection"! Please pray for me and enjoy my adventure .