Child number 5

So a couple of weeks ago, my husband and I adopted a little girl....she is tiny, adorable and covered in soft fur. You got it...our new little girl is of the canine variety. We have named her Pumpkin, and she is by far the cutest puppy I have ever owned. As I already knew, but had conveniently forgot the moment I laid eyes on the adorable puff ball, having a dog is almost exactly like having a baby. I knew that for the first little while I would have to be taking her outside every 2 hours. I didn't realize that she was going to be as emotional and full of drama as all my other kids though. If I do not great her in the morning with a hug and an excited, "good morning Pumpkin!" than she is mad at me and will not come when I call her. If I tell her "No" about chewing on something, then try to pick her up, she tucks tail and runs as though I beat her regularly. WHAT IN THE WORLD!? I never thought a dog could be so dramatic! We took her to the vet last week, and when they gave her shots, she cried so hard you would have thought she was on fire...for over 2 minutes!!!! Even the vet was shaking her head and saying, "Wow, I have never seen such a little drama queen!" Turns out our precious bundle of fur is also the biggest wimp ever. She is scared of the dark, of the wind, of baloons, and any adults besides me and my husband. She refuses to eat out of he food dish because her name plate on her coller bumps against the dish and startles her. Trying to get her to go potty outside, at night, in the Kansas wind is REALLY interesting! She is such a spaz, she is adorable. I sure hope she grows out of some if it!

So how does having another very dramatic, high maintanence "child" effect my life. Well, I have to say, it is kind of fun having a baby around again. Pumpkin loves to be held, and would be perfectly content to be up against my shoulder (baby burping style) all the time. As a result, I have found myself with the baby sway going on again. For those who don't know what the baby sway is, go into any church with young families, and stand at the back of the church and watch. If you see someone swaying back and forth from foot to foot, male or female, chances are they are either holding a baby, or have a baby in the nursery, and have "the sway" so ingrained in them that they don't even realize what they are doing. I found myself doing "the sway" in the grocery line the other day and had to chuckle. What is my reason for swaying, "Oh, I have a puppy." Hehehe...That's a new one!

I have also found one more reason for stress and perfectionism. Pumpkin is potty training. I have this horrible gut reaction every time she has an accident in the house, that now she will never be potty trained. Every mistake is one more sign that I am not training her well, or focusing on her training enough...as if I don't have ANYTHING else going on, like...taking care of and homeschooling 4 kids every day! I have also found that the constant stress of getting her outside to potty has me even more flustered. I keep having to interupt everything else I am doing to run her out to the back yard for potty time. By the time she get's around to actually going potty, I have forgotten what I was doing before I went out. I seem to NEVER get on a roll! Kind of frusterating!

All in all though, she is now sitting by the door when she wants to go out, so training is getting somewhere. She LOVE LOVE LOVES the kids, and wants nothing more than to chace them around. She is a great little vacume machine for under our table, and I just melt when my husband Joe comes home from work and all 5 little kids run to him and jump on him...Pumpkin right in there, her little tail wagging a mile a minute! Joe is her favorite person, and watching him play with her is halarious. Who says big strong guys don't like powder puff dogs.

I want to change

The plan was organization...the result was mommy meltdown. I have not blogged in several days because yours truly was having a full fledged emotional breakdown. It was pretty crazy, no pun intended. I know that in the Bible, Paul talked about the thorn in his flesh. I don't know what his was, but mine is the endless striving to be PERFECT. Why, why, why do I think that perfection is even something that can be achieved I will never know. How on earth does one change their mind; change their inner workings?

Following through

I said I would write at least one sentence, on this blog, every day this week. So here I am. I'm writing. I can't say that anything I say at the moment is going to be cool, funny or insightful...because frankly...we are both just very lucky I am awake and functioning at all this morning. I stayed up until all hours of the night last night, waiting for my husband to come home from a trip to Illinois. It's fantastic to have him home, but I can tell you right now that with the state of exhaustion this momma is feeling right now...perfect is not even on the radar for today's activities. Hopefully I will have humor and stories to share tomorrow

"Hi, my name is Leah, and I'm a perfectionist"

So in very typical perfectionist style. I stopped blogging! The fact that I was not consistently sitting down and with great insight and humor, sharing my life with you all, had me just giving up entirely. It's a classic symptom of extreme perfectionism. Do it perfectly, or don't do it at all! I remember in high school, being called in to my guidance counselor's office to discuss my grades. He was trying to figure out why I was aceing every test and exam, yet failing all my homework. He soon discovered that I was not turning in my homework. I had managed to finish at least half of most of that homework, but in my perfectionist mind...it was better to take a zero than to admit that I had not perfectly finished the work. The counselor was exasperated with my explanation that I just could not turn in things that were sloppy or unfinished because I hated having my teachers think of me in that less than perfect light. Not turning in the assignment at all was at least a version of perfect. Perfectly wrong! He had to explain to me that when you average perfect and perfectly wrong, you are still failing! an A+ and an F - do not average out to a C. A 100% and a 0% average to a 50% which is still an F!!! I was shocked! So I began freaking out to make sure that all my papers were completed perfectly and 100%. There was no wiggle room. I could not depend on my zeros to average out in the end. No, now it all had to be perfect. So I stressed and freaked out and stayed up all night many, many times writing the Perfect (1 page longer than was asked for) essay. *sigh* perfectionist nature was not changed, but It worked for high school, and I passed and graduated with honors.

Now here I am. 13 years later, and the perfectionist streak is still plaguing me. I either have a perfectly clean house, or it is trashed. I am either spending an hour in gods word in the morning, or I haven't picked up my bible in a month...and I am either funny and insightful on my blog (with chosen pictures that show my house perfectly clean and my kids studiously working...my hair coiffed and clothes neat)...Or I do not blog at all...for over a year! Wow!!! well at least I am consistently ridiculous!

So...I try again. I am going to attempt to write at least one sentence a day on this blog for the next week. If I have the time for perfect and humorous...I will do that. It really does make me feel better to share my thoughts and laughter at my life with you all. But on the off chance that life happens...I will attempt to, in non-perfectionist style, at least post one sentence. I can feel my heartbeat speeding up at the thought of that imperfection. This will be a challenge. It will be great perfectionist therapy though.

"Hi, my name is Leah...and I'm a perfectionist."

Got Balance?

Trying to find Balance in homeschooling is my challenge for the year. I have discovered that the days that I insist that every box be checked off and every question answered are not the best days we have as teacher and students. When my focus is on marking off all the things on my "to do" list, I am not taking advantage of the opportunities that the Lord opens to teach my kids something special. Instead, I am simply focused on getting through that next assignment. this is NOT a good way to face the day. LEAH, stop and smell the roses, would ya! I mean seriously...who really cares if Graham can make the bottom line of the letter "L" straight, when we could be outside, enjoying these last few weeks of warm weather, going on a nature hike. The schedule is my friend, but also my worst enemy. It screams at me from the shelf..."There is a box in me not checked off. Your children are not learning all that they would in a "Real" school. You fail as the teacher!" In response to this I am learning to smile at the shelf, grab the screaming schedule page and white out the unmarked assignment. "Bahahahahah (evil laugh), I Control the schedule!!!"

The problem with this approach to my homeschooling, is that inevitably, my perfectionism kicks in, and I begin to focus that eye for "perfect" on taking in all the opportunities to learn and enjoy the things outside our house. Soon, the days of reading and doing bookwork turn into days of going outside and I begin to see minor lessons like, math and spelling, going unmarked in my schedule. NOT GOOD! So the pendulum swings again, and then I end up in the house trying to catch up with hour after hour of book work, as my children sit longingly looking out the window at the sunshine. Let's face it... the only solution is BALANCE. In my life, balance is simply, imperfection. It is, not leaning to far in either direction. After all, winter is coming, and with it, days when my kids have to stay inside. We'll catch up then. For now...I am striving for balance.

In the beginning...

So, in classic perfectionist style...I have not been keeping up on my blog because I haven't been able to think of anything humorous to say. Actually, I haven't been able to form a coherent thought in over 2 weeks. The only thought hanging around in my sleep deprived brain has been, "Just get the home school work done for the day...just get the home school work done for the day." Frankly, it's amazing that my family hasn't starved to death in these, my first weeks as a homeschooling mom. By the time the school work is done each day, my brain feels like it has melted and I can't even begin to consider cooking a respectable "stay at home mom" dinner. Bring on the hamburger helper...say goodbye to home made ANYTHING.

I don't say all this to insinuate that things are going poorly. On the contrary, I think that these last two days went rather well. I am simply at a place right now where all of my energy and brain power are being aimed at the conundrum of how to spend a whole day with my children.. teaching them, playing with them, reading to them, feeding them, disciplining them, having them literally hanging off me from the moment I wake up till the moment I go to bed...and not loose my mind. How does one woman simultaneously teach a third grader who, having had the "Benefits" of the public schools spoon feeding education system, does not yet comprehend how to learn independently, and two preschoolers who, if not closely monitored would just as soon color all over the walls and themselves as their workbooks. I am not exaggerating! Have you ever seen a three year old with purple teeth and green circles on his forehead...I HAVE! One simply can NOT read about Jack Sprat, who could eat no fat and his wife who ate no lean, while discussing whether a cell is eukaryotic or prokaryotic. In the sleep deprived brain of a mother, these two conversations can soon become mixed up and you find yourself telling your 3 year old that Jack Sprat had no Nucleus.

Despite my first day which, for the record, was a total crash and burn. We have persevered, and are now settling in to some form of routine. My third grader, Zachary, is beginning to show signs of comprehending what he is reading, enough to actually answer some basic questions about it without having to reread it three or for times. And the three little ones are getting better acquainted with the educational video selection at our local library. We have yet to figure out how to incorporate the youngsters (coloring quietly)into the room where mommy is trying to teach Zachary about...ANYTHING he has to focus on. Apparently the sound of color crayons on paper is tantamount to an emergency shut off switch in my son's brain. He soon begins to worry about whether his little brother is coloring the trees the right color or not, despite the fact that this is the same brother with the purple teeth, who spends his time trying to color as much of his desk as he can while he scribbles on his color book. So , for the time being, the young ones are relegated to the living room while Zach works in the school room, and mom runs back and forth trying to keep things from being broken in one room and motivation from being broken in the other.

So, WHY do I persevere in homeschooling? Because, this past week, I listened as my kids prayed earnestly for the Native American tribe of the Taino people. I heard little Jessica ask God to show the Taino people Jesus' love. I watched as Graham, My five year old, drew his first stick person WITH a stomach, hair and fingers. I got to spend time with Zachary, reading the story of the first Spaniards to bring the story of Jesus to the native Americans of Texas and New Mexico. I enjoyed laughing with the kids as we played red light green light and Simon says during recess.I enjoyed listening to Zachary explain to Graham that an egg is really just one big cell, and the yoke is it's nucleus. I am watching my children grow and learn, and for that I feel BLESSED! Yes, homeschooling is hard, and yes, there are time I think that I may not survive this experience, but each sunrise brings a new day, "FRESH, WITH NO MISTAKES IN IT"...and I can't help but be excited to see what doors our books will open today. Zachary will in time learn how to read a book and glean the information he needs from it. Nathan will eventually stop trying to color on his face every time I turn around. Each day that passes we get better at this. I have a good feeling about next week. Perhaps we will finally be able to all work in the same room!

My "Perfect Monster"

HELP! The "Perfect Monster" is loose! It got out of the mental closet that I keep it in yesterday when I was at Walmart buying school supplies. I picked out the perfect combination of crayons, markers, colored pencils, erasers, and sharpeners for each child. I just had to have the large white board so that I could write out the memory verse for the week along with the weeks schedule. I NEEDED the extra book of school activities for Nathan, because he had to have something to be working on while Graham was doing his school work. After coming home my mood was so altered by my hunt for perfection that I was cranky with my little ones. After bed time I lay awake planning, thinking, turning the possibilities over and over. What should I do with Jessica? I need to work on her speech. I should make flashcards with pictures of objects and actions on them so we can run through her pronunciation every day. I should add sign language to each word, so that she is able to express herself when she is having a hard time with the verbal pronunciation of things. I should make up reward charts for their chores and for the little ones potty schedule. I should do... I should try.... I should make...

Is it any wonder that upon waking this morning I could not focus on the Lord in my quiet time with him. It's no surprise that as I saw the neighborhood children walking out their doors to their first day of school, something inside me began to hyperventilate at the thought of the responsibility ahead of me. When the perfect monster is running loose in my head, I can not hear the still small voice of the Lord reminding me that it is by HIS grace alone that I will train my children up in the way they should go. No books or combination of art supplies is going to teach my children to rely on their Lord and savior, "to supply all their needs according to his riches in glory." The only way they will learn to press on in spite of stress and frustration and seek their father in heaven's face, is if I live that way in front of them. To listen to the "perfect monster' in my head is to show them by my actions that only "Perfect" will do. I don't want that for them. I want them to learn balance in life. I want them to know that when you give it your best and rely on the Lord in your weakness you can be proud of your efforts. Our BEST is but filthy rags to him...it is only by HIS work in our lives that good can be done. The hunt for perfection is simply the worship of the idol of self. For if I can achieve perfection than what need do I have for Jesus.

So here I am, having just read some more in the Psalms, venting my insecurities on my blog, and listening to worship music. I am trapping the "Perfect Monster" and locking him away by God's grace. I am going to take my children out to the park now and spend some time WITH them, before returning to school prep. Thank you Lord for reminding me that this homeschooling thing is NOT about the books (new and perfect though they are) or the supplies (blessing though they are) It is about my children...precious souls, created in the image of God, entrusted to me. By God's Grace I will teach them this year. The books and supplies are great and a blessing, but without my Lord, it will all amount to NOTHING. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Off I go...No monster in tow. Just my babies and my Lord. It's gonna be a good day!